Resolutions 2011

I have a dear friend at work. She teaches in the room next to mine and her desk is next to mine. She's super smart, an awesome teacher and I sorta couldn't stand her when we first met. I honestly couldn't belive anyone could be that perky and real...oh no ladies and gentlemen. She's also genuine. As you can imagine, if I didn't like her so much, I'd pretty much hate her.

She asked me this morning about New Year's Resolutions and she was talking about them not in the traditional (exercise more, loose a ton of weight) sorta way (I mean I do have those) but as a list of fun things you would like to do this year.

Of course I've been pondering this all day....here's what I've come up with.
1. Learn to knit, actually do it...knit socks.
2. Go to the Braun Brother's Family Reunion (Ragweed in Idaho, be still my heart)
3. Visit the Newport Aquarium
4. Go camping
5. Blog more consistantly
6. Take a fun art-type class
7. Learn to make mole
8. Go to a professional soccer game
9. Organize a few poker parties
10. Learn to play Settlers of Catan
11. Go hiking in 5 new places

This list (like most other aspects of my existence) is a work in progress.

and then life happens (redux)

and we are forced to realize that life is messy and we are all imperfect beings, that the most important thing each of us can do is try.

Disclosures occur and sometimes what is revealed to you by the universe, your mother, your handsome friend, or former roommate causes you to reframe your own assumptions. One of the things that I know I forget is how complicated people are. Even people we know well...people whom we have believed we have "figured out" can surprise us, in both unpleasant and utterly wonderful ways. Other times information must be weighed, measured, and processed to determine it's relevancy to the whole.

I'm having a processing day; the reframing is happening slowly. But, happily as I'm processing, I'm realizing that what hit me first as a major piece of information is major not in and of itself but for what it reveals of the one who gave it voice. As is most often the case, gentleness and compassion are the most appropriate responses, no matter how difficult those may be.

and then life happens

in this case resolute beginnings were upstaged by the holidays, and strangely a new romantic interest...I met this boy, Eric, via internet dating site.


Let me explain my internet dating experience. It goes like this:

1. I am single and just fine with it (or at least I've tricked myself into believing so.)

2. I become single and bored. I consider how to remedy the situation, lesbians offer assistance. I ignore them, this is not a good solution.

3. I become so bored I attempt internet dating. Insert whitty "ads" and carefully cropped pictures here.

4. Strike up "conversation" via carefully crafted emails and use these emails as a screening test in order to pass the test the potential internet date must correctly use all forms of "their, there, and they're" AND "your and you're". No, I'm not kidding.

5. Arrange date.

6. Hate myself as I'm getting ready. A STUPID amount of thought goes into the getting ready process. I hate this part. I feel literally sick and hate that the only way I can get a date or any possible interest ever is via this forced dog and pony show. It is so not me; sadly I've done it enough times that I know how to do it. This doesn't help.

7. Go on date. Endure awkwardness. Hate myself and the universe.

8. Decide that this whole thing is not worth my time, figure out how to tell date that it's just not going to go anywhere....repeat from step one.


Sure, there have been some notable exceptions such as the gay guy and the dude who'd lived his whole life in the Portland metro area but spoke with nostalgia about visiting Seattle...really, go! Get in the car, it's RIGHT THERE.

And yet, I find myself dating. Now, full disclosure dictates that I mention that steps 1-8 still occurred...with a strange twist at the end. I decided that, while he probably wasn't worth my time, he might be worth a second date.

The story of the second date deserves it's own post and I'm running out of time anyway.

It took seven dates for me to decide I liked him; with a chorus of pep talks along the way, and now I'm quite certain I do. I have no idea what that means, and I'm convincing the crazy girl in my head that at the end of the night, I don't have to know anything besides if I want to see him again. So far, the answer has been yes.

Resolute beginnings....softly

Today I begin what I am calling The Transformation 31 Project.

I’ve started it before in versions such as 21, 29, 30 and in all honestly there is no reason why this version should prove to have more successful results. None at all. Yet, I am hopeful. I need to change fundamental aspects of my life. This morning, grey and wet and unpromising as it may be, I feel I have the strength. I feel powerful.

Last night at my birthday, beautiful people who loved me showed up, with varying degrees of reticence, tiredness and because simply, they love me. I found myself wondering, off and on through the night, how I should have come to deserve this love. I have no answer. Instead, I will accept it. That is the first thing I’m willing to concede. They love me. I am loved. Even when I myself do not understand why that love it is there. I need to take it graciously, and use it as a source of strength. I have internalized it, but I also need to stop questioning it.

Updates coming. Writing promised. Cross your fingers for me.