and then life happens (redux)

and we are forced to realize that life is messy and we are all imperfect beings, that the most important thing each of us can do is try.

Disclosures occur and sometimes what is revealed to you by the universe, your mother, your handsome friend, or former roommate causes you to reframe your own assumptions. One of the things that I know I forget is how complicated people are. Even people we know well...people whom we have believed we have "figured out" can surprise us, in both unpleasant and utterly wonderful ways. Other times information must be weighed, measured, and processed to determine it's relevancy to the whole.

I'm having a processing day; the reframing is happening slowly. But, happily as I'm processing, I'm realizing that what hit me first as a major piece of information is major not in and of itself but for what it reveals of the one who gave it voice. As is most often the case, gentleness and compassion are the most appropriate responses, no matter how difficult those may be.

and then life happens

in this case resolute beginnings were upstaged by the holidays, and strangely a new romantic interest...I met this boy, Eric, via internet dating site.


Let me explain my internet dating experience. It goes like this:

1. I am single and just fine with it (or at least I've tricked myself into believing so.)

2. I become single and bored. I consider how to remedy the situation, lesbians offer assistance. I ignore them, this is not a good solution.

3. I become so bored I attempt internet dating. Insert whitty "ads" and carefully cropped pictures here.

4. Strike up "conversation" via carefully crafted emails and use these emails as a screening test in order to pass the test the potential internet date must correctly use all forms of "their, there, and they're" AND "your and you're". No, I'm not kidding.

5. Arrange date.

6. Hate myself as I'm getting ready. A STUPID amount of thought goes into the getting ready process. I hate this part. I feel literally sick and hate that the only way I can get a date or any possible interest ever is via this forced dog and pony show. It is so not me; sadly I've done it enough times that I know how to do it. This doesn't help.

7. Go on date. Endure awkwardness. Hate myself and the universe.

8. Decide that this whole thing is not worth my time, figure out how to tell date that it's just not going to go anywhere....repeat from step one.


Sure, there have been some notable exceptions such as the gay guy and the dude who'd lived his whole life in the Portland metro area but spoke with nostalgia about visiting Seattle...really, go! Get in the car, it's RIGHT THERE.

And yet, I find myself dating. Now, full disclosure dictates that I mention that steps 1-8 still occurred...with a strange twist at the end. I decided that, while he probably wasn't worth my time, he might be worth a second date.

The story of the second date deserves it's own post and I'm running out of time anyway.

It took seven dates for me to decide I liked him; with a chorus of pep talks along the way, and now I'm quite certain I do. I have no idea what that means, and I'm convincing the crazy girl in my head that at the end of the night, I don't have to know anything besides if I want to see him again. So far, the answer has been yes.

Resolute beginnings....softly

Today I begin what I am calling The Transformation 31 Project.

I’ve started it before in versions such as 21, 29, 30 and in all honestly there is no reason why this version should prove to have more successful results. None at all. Yet, I am hopeful. I need to change fundamental aspects of my life. This morning, grey and wet and unpromising as it may be, I feel I have the strength. I feel powerful.

Last night at my birthday, beautiful people who loved me showed up, with varying degrees of reticence, tiredness and because simply, they love me. I found myself wondering, off and on through the night, how I should have come to deserve this love. I have no answer. Instead, I will accept it. That is the first thing I’m willing to concede. They love me. I am loved. Even when I myself do not understand why that love it is there. I need to take it graciously, and use it as a source of strength. I have internalized it, but I also need to stop questioning it.

Updates coming. Writing promised. Cross your fingers for me.

writing to enlighten this morning

it is gross outside....I know, I know. It's October 24th and I live in Camas. It was inevitable, but it seems the fall/winter weather has finally overtaken us. Even worse, it's one of those mornings where an hour after you get up the weather is darker, blustery-er, and more spirit dampening. Hummph.

Although, by all rights I should not complain. The first three weeks of October were a fantastic gift, possibly mother nature attempting to make up for our summer that wasn't a summer.

So, here's my story. This morning about 5:30, the annoying girl dog decides that since I won't let her on the bed and under the covers, what she really MUST do is to go outside. I know that to ignore the whining is to do so at my own peril, so I got up. Walked downstairs and let her out. At the same instant she went out I noticed a white thing disappear under the arborvideas. Or I thought I did. Ruby sniffed quickly but needed to do her business. As I waited to see what would happen she wiggled over the the edge and sniffed. All of a sudden she jumped back and ran around to get a sneak attack.

Grrrr. So, here I am standing, topless, at my back door hoping my stupid dog doesn't decide to go after the stupid opossum in the back yard. I'm yelling at her and she's ignorning me. I see the little bugger walk out from under the trees and look at her. She gets down in a crouch and sniffs.

I'm still yelling, now outside topless, and unable to grab her... no collar, she makes too much noise with it at night. Finally, she seems to notice I'm yelling and looks at me like, "What's the big deal? Do you see that thing, it's crazy."

However, she who vibrates with excitment over the smallest thing is basically unfazed, interested, but unfazed. She lets me guide her back in the house, we return to sleep and I'm thankful that near miss with rabies is over.

Flower pictures, as promised

This doesn't give you a sense of the height, almost 4 feet, but my crappy camera could make the flowers look both good and tall.

This does show that I'm doing my part to support and encourage pollination and bees!

Everbearing Berry Bushes

Mmmmm, breakfast.

Yogurt, granola and strawberries I've been watching for three days, hoping to catch the right moment between actually red and ripe and slug devoured. This was the morning! And as an extra special added bonus a kitschy frog mouth soap dish.

perennials, a post about plants with no pictures, dumb huh?

So, this is summer number two in my house. It has been the summer of projects and patience and waiting for things to fall into place. It hasn't been bad, just strange. However, something that has amazed me, is watching the progress of my perennials.

About this time last year I visited a little nursery in south Portland. It's owned and run by a short jovial hispanic man and his wife who wears a floppy hat and plaits her hair in a way that seems to highlight her obviously indigenous heritage. The prices are amazing. Last year I made my purchased with a friend's input, not really understanding the potential of each plant, not really knowing what I was buying. But, I did pick perennials (and mostly natives), with the hope that they would come up and look even better than they did last year.

This whole progression of time and rhythms of nature thing is amazing. Sure enough, I put them in the ground, added water and compost, let sunshine and time do it's thing and ta-da! Flowers! Then, as one might expect, as it got cold, they all died. I cut them back and this spring they all came back.

And while I understand this is not shocking, it's just so cool. In February there was nothing. Now months later these have returned, succulents and flowers, red, pink, purple, yellow, natives and non. They've almost all come back. I lost a hot pink and yellow lantana, which is supposed to be impossible to kill and my step dad mowed over my goats beard, twice, as it was poking it's head back up. But, what has come back is large, healthy and prolific. I will post pictures of the echinacea, my current favorite.

I repeated the trip to the nursery (The Country Barn) today and again purchased a carful (a STEAL at less than $50). This year, I could visualize the spaces that need filling. The variation in height and color that, if this whole perennial thing keeps going, will make the garden seem wildly filled. The look of randomness that must be intentional which I find myself drawn to in other people's yards. I was so excited they were in the ground less than an hour after I got home.

Here's to faith and growing things.