Right now.

The view out my window is spring time. There are birds making bird-type noises and I can hear them because, although it's 5:25, the back door is open. It's cool, but not cold; the doors are open to let in to move the air around, it's stale in here from months of preserving the heat.

There are one inch buds on my tulip tree. I can't tell if they will be flowers or leaves. The maple in the back is shooting it's unadorned branches into the blue sky. The moon, somewhere around two-thirds full has taken residence in the sky already and is framed by the limbs of the gigantic pine tree that inhabits my back yard.

The crazy dog is making circles in the too tall grass. Her tummy is making funny noises and she is doing all her best instinctual dog tricks to make herself feel better. Sam is in his newest favorite spot. He likes to lie in the doorway. I think it has to do with his failing eyesight and being able to smell all the wonderful smells of outside, while still in the relative safety of the house. I would indulge him more often, but its still so cold.

My handsome friend is snoring upstairs. He worked this morning and will work tonight, a quick turn-around because I had hoped to visit my sister next weekend. It didn't work out but he arranged his schedule just for me. Some days it takes all my self restraint to let him sleep.

My hands smell like onions, and green chilies, and cilantro. A pot of pork and green chili stew is in the early stages of simmering on the stove. I'm making a huge pot. Some for a new mother. I also promised some to my brother, it's his favorite and he bought me breakfast this morning. We also went for a long walk around Kelly point, along the river in the sunshine.

There is a woodpecker surveying the yard from the top of the maple tree and the moon has moved since I took this picture. I'm also sure there is something I'm trying to say in this post. Something about sunshine on Sunday afternoon and the fulfilling rightness of my domestic existence. Yeah, something like that.

lucky girl

these....for no other reason than I was feeling grumpy.
Not for any reason.
I just was.
So he just did.

And then life gets in the way.

Happy, beautiful, sing-songy days and mundane days, and frustrating ones all just take over. The nice part about my days now, and since late October, is that at the end of them I get to come home to my furred lovely ones and my handsome friend. He has taken up residence and it couldn't be more wonderful. However, it changes the dynamic of my life in such a way that doing things like writing blogs becomes a bit more challenging. Well worth it, just challenging.

But, there are approximately 11 more days of my winter break. (I love break!) and I'm going to post on each and everyone of them. To start with, a shiny sparkly picture from our outing to the grotto where we looked at lights and heard a rather awkward saxophone Christmas concert, from a Ryan Seacrest wanna be dude in his mid-40s, in a Catholic chapel. Strange, but fun.

Summer adventures

So...work starts tomorrow and honestly, I'm worried. There are big changes afoot, the type I'm not sure I'll be so great at handling, but after worrying and whining and expressing my concern and getting sick to my stomach at the very thought of it, I've decided it's just about time to put on my big girl panties and deal. A dear friend from work helped me reframe it in my mind and perhaps if I anticipate a difficult task with the promise of significant positive change for my students, then maybe, just maybe it will be okay. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

But, it's my last day of summer. I'm lame but I like to spend the end of break holed up, hunkered down, organizing the parts of my life that I have been neglectful of (what WAS that green slime at the bottom of my fridge?). So, I'm cleaning and reading and organizing. My handsome friend is asleep upstairs and later we're having dinner and making ice cream...he thought of and brought over all the necessary supplies.

This summer has been wonderful.
Here is a top of my head list of some of the cool things I've done: driven through the Redwoods, two day trips to the coast one with friends and one yesterday with my mom, camped two separate times, met babies, kissed babies, sunned, went to the zoo, ate amazing food, organized my basement into a craft space, family beach trip, Columbia River stern wheeler tour, swam in the river, discovered two new close day spending spots, watched two beautiful couples get married, read, then read some more, played with the dogs, bbq-ed, hosted great company and got to spend tons of time with people I love.
Ahhhh.
How lovely.

Dying flower....soft as I feel right now

Soft, like red wine, a long year, and two days left.
Soft, like things I'm too tired to write right now.
Soft and open like my heart feels lately.
Soft and safe.

Faith. Hope. and Love.

Isn't this wonderful.

Truly right?









This sweater is made of hand spun and most likely hand dyed yarn. My Fiber Based-BFF (FB-BFF) may be nutzo sometimes, but hell, the girl is talented. The buttons are pictures of Scorpio, my Zodiac sign, Mother Theresa, a well dressed Indian man who might be a god but I don't really think so, and George Washington. (She's also sorta funny). It's soft and warm and gender neutral by design. It is a baby sweater and it was part of my 30th birthday present. It made me cry. The beauty of such a gift and the faith it held in it was more than my lonely heart could process.

My most deeply held belief is that happiness is a choice. (I know, I mention this over and over) The world isn't always exactly what you want it to be, but you choose whether to be mired in the ugliness and disappointment or to should deal with what you have in a way that allows you to continue to be happy. I try to do the second.

But somedays it's hard, and other days it's just impossible. On days like this it's nice to have people around who will carry the burden of faith for you. FB-BFF has offered to do that for me. Literally. Most days I want babies and some wonderful soul around to help me raise them. I want them to have long hair and cloth diapers and play in the sand by the river. She knows this about me. Her own children are so beautiful and she is such a good hard working parent, it sometimes kills me to be around them (although, I get far, far to few opportunities). She knows I fear this will never be part of my reality. She knows this and has graciously offered to carry the faith for me, to believe for me when I'm not sure that I do. This sweater is the talisman of her belief.

I started thinking about Faith and Hope (as big ideas worthy of capital letters) after reading a few of my friend Andrew's blog posts. He was talking about the placebo effect and religion. Which I get. I am neither as well educated nor as well opinionated on this subject, but I get what he's saying.

Here are his exact words which I'm fairly certain he will not mind me re-posting. (Sorry, Andrew) "The major gripe I have with religion is that instead of encouraging others to have faith and hope, they insist others have faith in hope in the same things they have faith and hope in."

I love the simple, eloquent and perfectly exact phrasing.

It made me think of a friend I had when I was younger. He was the son of a minister, a Chinese missionary, who had married and brought his wife back to the United States where he led congregations of Chinese Americans. He lived in the same city as me for about four years. He moved to California sometime during high school and we kept in touch, over the phone, for several years. For some reason, he was the first person I opened up to when my parents were splitting up and I felt like I couldn't hold anything, especially myself, together. And we talked and I cried and he told me he'd pray for me.

I felt no cynicism or irritation at his offer, instead, I felt incredibly lucky. I have never been a follower of any religion, and my own spiritual leanings are a rather complicated mess, but when my friend told me he would pray for me I felt thankful. We both knew I didn't believe, but in praying he was holding me up to his highest power. Offering assistance in the form he felt would do greatest good. This was sincerity and love in a pure form. He couldn't help me, but hoped that maybe his prayers could.

(Quick note, I've had other people say this to me and I did not feel as grateful. There was nothing shallow, pandering or overly pious in his offer and his support, which was crucial to it's importance.)

I feel this way about FB-BFF's offer of faith. She knows my limitations. She loves me anyway and still chooses to believe for me. That is love.

This seems critical to me. Love gives shape and support to faith and hope. All can exist simultaneously, but strength comes when the three are fused. In order for that faith and hope to have a shape and substance, there must be love backing it up. Which is why religion sometimes makes sense to me. I understand how all three can be wound together; I understand how such an idea would be enticing. Though I myself cannot believe, I can understand how someone would want to. What I don't understand is religious doctrine that is based on hate or fear....how can hope and faith, both necessary to maintain and grow a religious following, flourish under those conditions? Or why should it when love is so much...easier, freeing, warmer, softer, more welcoming... pick one. I'll be overly simplistic and just go with better. Love is so much better.

My heart is not so lonely these days. The sight of her magical talisman, in my underwear drawer wrapped carefully in tissue paper, seems more sweet than bitter these days. Her faith is still stronger than mine and I am content to let her hold on a while longer, especially because she has not yet asked me to relive her of that particular burden. My handsome friend fills me with a sort shapeless hope that is happiness. Gaining in both strength and consistency I'm in no hurry to mold, poke or prod it into anything more than what it wants to grow into.

My FB-BFF can hold onto the faith, I will nurture the hope, and continue to appreciate that I am surrounded by love.

(Note, I worked on this post off and on for almost 3 weeks. That fact speaks more to my current lack of focus than any other thing. Oh, and Andrew's blog is here: http://oudevoida.blogspot.com/)

a tall order...

but none the less, a gradly noble idea.

Things that have made me happy this week.

1. Five days in Oklahoma City on Tinker Air force Base with the following:
a. Babies who are no longer babies
b. More snow than any of us wanted to deal with
c. She who is talented and wise but whom I often still think is full of shit
d. Talking and talking and talking

2. The women on both sides of me at zumba this evening, on my right the woman was tall and willowy and blond and everything she did was graceful. On my left the woman was red faced, and kept laughing when she turned the wrong way. They both smiled with me during the whole class.

3. My current music obsession Jason Boland's, Comal County Blue and Robert Earl Keen's collection, Best.

4. The book I'm reading, The Shadow of the Wind, so good.

5. Reading blogs written by my smart, funny, insightful friends.

6. My 6th period...4 good natured boys with wildly different personalities. But, they like one another and they like me.

7. My beasties, both the good one and the bad one.

8. That my handsome friend took me to the airport last week. I like being humored.

friday evening, drunk-ish

things i'm happy about right this minute:
1. beer
2. basketball although I don't have, nor do I want a bracket
3. disk 1 season 1 of castle. i heart nathan fillion
4. my job
5. friendships that aren't quite what you ever expected
6. sunshine
7. The Once and Future King....better the 12th time I've started it.
8. the mutt
9. that I think I get to work in my yard this weekend because....
10. I'm almost done with my national boards