stupid crazy girl

So, I posted for almost two weeks straight. I even had a topic and every intention of posting last night (pesto sauce), but an impromptu offer of a bbq, complete with patio table fire pit, consumed my evening. It was a much more interesting plan; I didn’t get home until after one, without actually knowing how that happened.

Anyway. I have a friend who has read much more extensively in eastern types of philosophy and often has a much broader and kinder outlook on the world than I do. She and I have talked about the idea that everything we have in our lives is a result of what we are outwardly projecting to the greater universe. On consideration, this train of thought is tied directly to my insomniac post a few days ago, but I didn’t grasp the connection until I sat down to write it. I have been playing with this idea for most of the day. So, the idea, and again, I’m paraphrasing, is that if I am stepping into impossible dating/relationship scenarios then something in my action or though pattern is projecting that that is what I want.

We get in our live that which we outwardly project.

Okay, I can go with that idea. But the one that follows becomes problematic. What exactly am I projecting that is yielding such depressing results. One is forced to examine the negative thoughts, which often spin uncontrolled inside our own heads. In other places I’ve called it the crazy girl in my head. Different than my own consciousness this crazy girl’s outlook on the world is negative and really when it comes right down to it, she’s mean, and I am most often the recipient of her attacks. No, this is not a public airing some inner psychosis. There are no voices in my head, but this crazy girl is the personification of my self-doubt and all the ugly inner speech that I may have bumping around in my brain.

The question still stands. Am I, who is proud and strong, projecting these thoughts that are bringing about these impossible or just plain silly situations or has the crazy girl hijacked the mic? Have the negative thoughts, self-doubt and self-flagellation become that which the universe picks up on? And if so, the next question is how to change it. How to reassert my own voice the one that will bring about the results that I want?